I haven't always been fat, but since puberty came and slapped me in the face I have become bigger and bigger for each passing year, basically. So what?
There is nothing wrong with being fat. I know this, you (should) know this. In my heart I know this, but in my mind... That's another story.
I don't care what people look like, if they're fat, skinny, light, dark, or in between, old, young, able, disabled, tattooed, freckly, whatever. I don't care. As a general rule, I don't really care what I look like either. Or, more accurately, I don't WANT to care. But, if I'm brutally honest, I do care what I look like.
Why do I care? Not because I want to, not because it makes me happy. Quite the opposite. I care because society tells me to care, all the time, everywhere. Thinking about my appearance makes me unhappy. Why does it make me unhappy? Take a fucking guess. It makes me unhappy because everything tells me that I am wrong. The media, TV, movies, magazines, books, commercials, fashion, stores - EVERYTHING that I see tells me that I am wrong.
First off: I'm a woman. That's my first and biggest mistake in life - not being a man. There's not a whole lot I can (or want to) do about that, so I try to manage as well as I can. Secondly, as previously stated, I am fat. I have big boobs, a big tummy, thick legs, flabby arms, and more than one chin.
Thirdly, and this is terrible!!!, I'M NOT ON A DIET.
This is the most awful thing a fat person can say or do. For some reason, not constantly dieting and trying to conform to society's expectations of what is an acceptable appearance (N.B. acceptable, not just desirable) makes people mad. Like full-out angry. Thin people be like:
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO BE OKAY WITH YOUR LOOKS?!?!?!
Some of you may be thinking "oh, she's exaggerating, people aren't usually that hateful or mean". Guess what? They are. So many people are. A while back, I posted a picture on Instagram of some Disney princesses, drawn to look fat. I wrote something along the lines of "When is Disney going to make movies about fat girls?". What I was aiming for is the chance for fat children to watch movies where fat people aren't constantly ridiculed and made out to be non-desirable (not in a sexy way, obvi, since I'm talking about kids' movies). I want there to be representation and recognition, for fat children to be the hero of a story for once, and not the butt of a joke.
What kind of comments do you think I received? One or two positive ones from body positive people, and then a shitload of angry, negative, hateful ones. People were saying things like "how dare you advocate against healthy behaviour", "saying that it is okay to be fat is child abuse", "this is as bad as going to schools telling children that it is good to smoke", "Disney princesses need to be able to ride horses, shoot arrows and stuff, fat people can't do that". One of the commenters was a woman who was studying to become a doctor. She was absolutely furious with me and my post, saying really mean things to me and about fat people. I also got a lot of comments from men, telling me their views on fat people. Like I asked for your fucking opinions? Douche bags.
For me, trying to be and love myself while society tells me I'm wrong is a constant struggle. I have low self-esteem, and I doubt myself and my worth on a daily basis. I try to work at my feelings of confidence and self-worth, but man, is it a steep hill or what?
I will blog more about being fat, fat shaming, body acceptance and body positivity in the future, because I have a lot to say on the subject. Now I'm off to play Skyrim, a place where I can do fantastic things that I can't do in real life, and where I am a strong, confident warrior woman!
Stay shiny people! :)